I'm thinking a lot more now than I used to. I'm writing a lot less now than I used to.
Yep.

Any more math.

0

I have absolutely no idea. Too many people have hurt me despite my clammed-up-in-a-shell-ness. Hardly any of that hurt is worth excessive exposition, and truth be told I barely remember much of it now. I guess that's what you get from low expectations.

I have to forgive my constant procrastination. I’m always putting stuff off, doing absolutely nothing when I could be spending that time on more concrete and meaningful endeavours. That’s part of the reason I’m doing this, to get me back into the writing mood and actually journaling once a day for a month. The thing I hate most about leaving everything till the very last minute is that regret you invariably feel after it all, that you weren’t able to put everything you had into it precisely because you didn’t give yourself enough time to. And ultimately it all comes back to me not bothering about it. I can never see the big picture when it comes to these things. And it makes me feel like shit after. I hoped by this time in my life I’d be able to prioritise my commitments with my leisure, but it looks like I still have some ways to go. I guess the deeper issue is that I have to forgive myself for how easily I forgive my slacking. Sigh.

I love what the future has in store for me. I love the endless possibilities. I love thinking about life when I get back to Humidity HQ. I love thinking about life at university. I love the excitement I get from thinking about life at university. I love the many experiences I’ve had in my short 18-year stay so far. They may not always been during the best times of my life, but nevertheless I love how incredibly lucky I’ve been to have had those experiences. I love the massive potential that I have in me, just waiting. I love the challenge of finally making good on said potential and applying myself wholly into whatever I choose to do. I love the joy I get from writing, and thoroughly regret not discovering this earlier in my life. I love the simple formulaic syntax of this post. I like the person I am now, and I believe I can someday come to love the person I want to and eventually will become. I love the few people I consider to be true friends, and I love that that aforementioned list of friends is actually longer than I could ever imagine it to be. I love the people that care about me. I love what the future has in store for me.

Hate is a strong word, but I conjure I my self-esteem issues can only be described as that.

My parents are exceptionally brilliant people. They’ve always been amazing at everything they do; it’s almost annoying how they’ve achieved all that they have. They’re both exceedingly lucky to have an amazing & innate intelligence and a relentless work ethic. Combined they have more academic degrees than there are rooms in this 6-bedroom house. And now you’re looking at me and wondering if I’m adopted. Joke. I laugh awkwardly to hide the tears. The worst, for the lack of a better word, thing about them is their humility. It’s never been about accolades, material possessions or even money; the truly remarkable thing about them that I’ve only just realised is that they’ve managed to have a fulfilling vocation where they’re doing something their passionate about, and live comfortably at the same time. Their modesty would be glaringly obvious given their humble beginnings. No doubt with his myriad of qualifications my dad could easily be earning a whole lot more than his already outstandingly unpresumptuous remuneration, and I’m sure the Church could never outpay the private sector with the workload my mum has to bare.

Needless to say, in a post about me, they’re so legendary they manage to commandeer the first substantial paragraph. But such awesomeness also drags along lofty expectations. As you can imagine, I’ve always had a huge cloud over my head. Expectations are all fine and dandy, but they become a problem when you can’t reach them. That’s not to say that I couldn’t, but rather that I didn’t. Which makes it so much worse; failing at something you know you’re absolutely capable of doing. Maybe I once had that supreme confidence in myself, in my ability; maybe it might come back; it was definitely missing for the past 9 years.

By extension, my wallowing in self-pity made me clam up and hide from the outside. I never really opened up after my gradual & tragic loss of innocence [pardon my gratuitous phrasing] for fear of getting hurt. The few times I did, I was given no reason to change that inveterate worldview. Unfortunately, whenever anyone was willing to take me for who I was, I refused to let myself believe somebody would ever want to. All the friends lost, all the relationships burned. I was so far in the fridge. But I didn’t show it. And nobody knew.

I hate how I had become that person. I hate how self-destructive I became, misanthropic and hiding behind a veil of sarcasm and American culture. But all that is a part of me now. Would I have it any other way? Probably not. Who knows how I would’ve turned out otherwise.  I guess I’m trying to convey my hatred for how I used to be while acknowledging its importance in shaping the person I am today. And I kinda like who I am right now. Hopefully I can love who I’ll become. Hopefully I can let others do that too.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

from crxckcxndy